Anchor.

God just works in such mysterious and amazing ways... Have you ever noticed that?

Lately it just seems like He is asking a lot of me and it seems like what has been building up in my heart for the last two and a half years is now reaching its breaking point. Sometimes God just fills you with so much you can't even comprehend what is happening in your heart and right now, my brain is having an incredibly difficult time grasping what all is growing in my heart.

I recently went to San Antonio for an education conference and we got to see the beautiful River Walk almost every day, which was great, but if you have ever been there you should understand what I am about to describe. You can get to a lot of places by walking along the River Walk... but it can be crazy confusing also. You have to be on the right side of the river in order to get to the restaurant you want to eat at or the store you want to shop at, or even to turn in the right direction to follow the right part of the river...other wise you have to continually go back up to the street and cross down to the other side of the river. You have an idea of where you will end up, but getting there is quite a  journey.

Life kind of seems like that right now... like...
I know I'm going to be a teacher, but where...
I know God is calling me, but where...
I know He has a plan, but what...
so. many. questions.

Well today sisters and brothers... today, God gave me a straight up assurance...
What seemed like a random verse that oddly came to mind earlier in the day has proven to be so very needed and what seem like little happenstances in a daily routine are major blessings to my heart:
.
"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek." {Hebrew 6:19-20}

There are times when God is obvious and speaks right into our hearts like He did with this verse... and then there are times when He is subtle and He speaks to us in simple ways like....words from a woman who you never would have met unless He gave you similar hearts for a precious child... and thankfully He did...the delicate beauty in humming of praise music from a close friend that just brings peace to your soul... even a smile from stranger.

The point is... He is working and He speaks to us if we listen...  He is the anchor in the hope we have... He goes before us in all things... He is the anchor. In times when there are so many unknowns, He knows... when you feel like your searching for answers and trying to reach the end of a maze, He is the map... When you feel like you're drowning... He is the anchor.

A spark lit a fire and it won’t burn out...

"For to us a child is born... and he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father... Prince of Peace." Isaiah 9:6

Here in Iowa we are bunkering down for a blizzard... some good old snow just in time for Christmas... on my way to the doctor I think I heard "White Christmas" about 10 times on the radio... I guess there will be some happy people who will get their wish... I think it's kind of funny... the idea of a white Christmas... fluffy snow covering the ground... fresh, clean, white, and pure.

With the holiday season comes the oh so wonderful Christmas Break... and that's what brings me here to this moment. In my last post, I talked about God winks... and tonight I think God is bringing me a pretty big wink. This evening I lit a candle in my room and as I was staring at its glow I just loved how pretty it looked... so I went and found some more to light. Then I looked at my room and just loved the twinkle all around... I sat down to do my devotional and I no more than opened my Jesus Calling book and then God winked.

All in one moment a song a friend sent me a little while back came on my itunes, the sound of the snow starting to fall joined in, and the glow of the candles went with the beat. I read the verse on the pages in front of me... Isaiah 9:6... many of us have heard it many times... but I don't know if I have ever really soaked it in before... after I read the verse I looked up and what I saw is what is in the picture above. Wink.

So as I have been sitting here praying, thinking, and praying some more... there is one clear message I think God is saying through this...

Isn't every Christmas a 'white' Christmas? If we really think about it... that's the purpose... that's the reason for the season... It's not just "unto us a child is born..." it's what that child grew up to do... He died for our sins and gave us a fresh, clean, white, and pure start... sound familiar? Kind of like the snow covering the ground... God sent His only son on Christmas night to cover us in His love... in His peace. Now... that song that came on... woah, major wink. The lyrics to that song are some simple but powerful words...

I won’t wait, no, I won’t wait for heaven

‘cause I believe heaven’s coming my way.
While I’m alive I’ll be gettin’ on with livin’ like

You’re comin’ my way
Comin’ my way
And I’ll be comin’ Your way
Comin’ Your way

I can’t wait to meet You in the middle.
Up in the air to welcome You home
and on the way we’ll be gettin’ things ready
‘cause

You’re comin’ my way
Comin’ my way
And I’ll be comin’ Your way
Comin’ Your way

O, I once was lost
And now I’m found
It’s like...
A spark lit a fire and it won’t burn out.
A spark lit a fire and it won’t burn out.
A spark lit a fire, now it won’t burn out.
Oh, it’ll never burn out.

How great is that song!? It is beautiful and it really just says the Christmas story to me in such a powerful way! He came our way... and He still is... He is still the Prince of Peace... He is still covering each of us in forgiveness and fresh, clean, white, and pure new starts...

He started that spark that will never burn out... no matter what happens in this world, no matter what evil happens... light wins. His spark lit a fire and now it won't burn out... it will never burn out.

Moments...

I've thought a lot about this in the past few months... about those moments you experience... the ones that really hit you... in both small and big ways...

Moments can take your breath away... they can make your heart skip a couple beats... they can change your life. 

If any of you have ever flown you know that feeling of inertia every time you take off and land... your body kind of sticks to the back of your seat as you move faster and faster and then suddenly the wheels lift off the ground and you're in the air... flying... but what I really like is when you can feel your body's gravity pulling you back to earth... you can feel the plane getting closer to the ground and then... touch down... I love those moments of impact... when it all hits you. 

This whole semester I have been trying to listen to what God is saying... what He is trying to tell me... and on more than one occasion He has brought me to some huge but subtle moments. In a small group a couple months ago we talked about God winks... what some people might call coincidences... but I believe they are God winks. When He is showing you something or trying to tell you something and you just aren't getting it... He sends you a wink. Have you ever read the book of Ruth and noticed how over and over again it says, "It just so happened..." or "As it turned out..."

You see the Bible delivers some pretty clear messages... but then it is also full of God winks too... small little details that someone points out to you or you notice as you're reading that just really hit the nail on the head.... and those little details just deliver the message that God has been trying to send to you... but this time it was in a small wink. 

So in the book of Ruth we find that Naomi has lost her husband and two sons, she has told her two daughter-in-laws to return home to their families... but Ruth doesn't. She stays with Naomi and she sticks it out. So Naomi and Ruth are working to get food and such and Naomi sends Ruth to this field of a relative to get grain... well, "As it turned out she was working in the field of Boaz" and that moment changed Ruth's life forever... Ruth and Boaz end up married, Naomi is overjoyed Ruth has found a new husband and home, and the rest is history... 

So you see I think sometimes we really pray for God to send us HUGE moments that knock us off our feet... when really we should be praising Him for the winks He sends us... Kind of like Ruth... she could have prayed for God to send her a new husband right away when Mahlon, her first husband, died. She could have left Naomi and gone back home... but she didn't ... she wasn't thinking about herself and what she wanted... and then God brought her that wink... that moment in Boaz' field... that moment of impact. 

So today.. take some time to reflect on what God has been showing you... maybe some of the things you have been missing... the winks that have been subtle... and praise Him for those moments of impact.  

Those days that make you feel like a potato...

Today This week has been an emotional, physical, and incredible experience.

I have really been praying through returning to Sierra Leone... should I fundraise for my own costs to go back? Should I focus on fundraising for the kids and not myself? Should I do both or nothing? I've just been a whole jumble of emotions and recently God has opened so many doors of possibility that I just don't know what to think or do any more...

It all started with a dream... I was sitting on the ground, legs folded like a pretzel, rocking and singing to a precious little boy. I knew I was in Sierra Leone because I could feel my backpack on, I had my hair up and as far away from neck as possible, a headband on to catch my sweat, and I could just sense that I was there... As I was really beginning to look at the baby's face an Auntie came and took the baby from my arms... before I could even begin to protest I woke up. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN!? At first I thought maybe this was God telling me, "Hanna you want to go back, but now is not the time..." or something like that... but the more I think about it I feel like I woke up before I saw the end of the dream... so maybe hopefully sometime soonish... God will show me the meaning/end of the dream...

A while after this I had a beyond meaningful conversation about praying through going back to Sierra Leone and whether the timing was mine or God's or what exactly and another door of possibility was opened to me... perhaps I will have a chance to share this later... we'll have to see...

Finally tonight happened. I have started going on run/walk/jog things because my water aerobics plans are not working out here in Pella and today I was tired. I hurt. I was grumpy. I wanted to just go to bed. BUT... God had other plans (doesn't He always?)

On Wednesday nights here on campus our Intervarsity chapter puts on an event called Nine. Its sort of like a praise and worship night with a little bit of sermon. As I said before... I was not in the mood to go. I had my pajamas on, was in my bed all tucked in, ready to fall asleep when my cousin (who yes now goes to school with me... yay!) texts me and says "You need to come. Be there!! You need to come and love some Jesus!" She was just too convincing... So I got out of bed, got out of my pajamas, and walked across campus to Nine. I expected it to be buggy because it's outside, I expected to see a lot of people... but what I didn't expect was for God to really weigh down my heart. What was the theme of tonight you ask?... it was "What are you passionate about?" What type of song did we sing to end the night?... Africa worship song..... Who felt like a potato today?... me.

At this point you are probably thinking that I have actually lost it... this 19 credit hour semester has officially put me over the edge... but really it hasn't

Sometimes, you just feel like a potato... while the way that potato may be cooked can differ... you can still feel like a potato. This evening I was ready to be a couch potato... do nothing and just go to bed... well the chef of this master plan recipe had other ideas... I was going to be a mashed potato. I feel like a potato on Thanksgiving day that has been put into a mixing bowl and is in the process of being blended and mashed together with a mixer... confused, excited, stressed, happy, sad, everything... all blended together. AND When I shared this with someone tonight they said they felt like a twice baked potato stuffed with sour cream because they were loaded down with some much school work... so see, I'm not completely wacko... just a little :)

Scripture says, "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future..." {Jeremiah 29:11} This spud is taking comfort in God's word... whatever it is that this dream meant, for whatever reason He is opening so many doors for, and because I know He loves me so much that He weighs my heart with a passion for Him and His kingdom... I take comfort in knowing it is His plan... and not mine. He is the master chef of this potato and there couldn't be any better way.

Courageous

Courageous... meaning: not deterred by danger or pain... synonyms: brave, bold, valiant, gallant.... if you Google that word... two things show up, numerous times...

The hit movie about men standing up for their families and for God... and being courageous... 

and the ever popular song... by Casting Crowns... "Courageous" 

Whether the song was made for the movie or the movie for the song... I don't know... what I do know is... whenever this song comes on the radio I get chills... and not for the reasons many people would think it does... the words really hit me... yesterday this song came on the radio and I felt God speak to my heart...

"listen to the song... hear the words... you can be the generation that breaks the chains... you were made to be courageous" 

Now I know that the movie and the song are geared towards men being the spiritual leaders of their families and their homes and being the men God created them to be... but... don't you think it can be seen in other ways too? You may picture a lot of things when you hear the song... or the word... or when you watch the movie... well I picture this:

The faces of the people who have joined in the fight for the orphans of Sierra Leone... the faces of the people who work at the Covering... the faces of the people who have traveled to SL and loved on those kids... the faces of the people who sponsor kids or who are forever families... the faces of the people who step up for "least of these"... and these are just a few of them... 

they are being courageous... It's not an easy road... there are battles to fight every day... if you read the TRS blog... or you are friends with any of these people on facebook you know the stories... the teams, the TRS staff, all of them... face the injustice in Sierra Leone every day... 

think about what the song says... 

"we were made to be courageous"

 we're not just supposed to try... we were made this way... God prepared us to be this way... so that we could fight for the people of His kingdom who don't have a voice... 

"the only way we'll ever stand is on our knees with lifted hands"

The only way we can truly be strong enough, the only way we can win is with God... sometimes it is better to stop and pray... to stop and cry out to God because honestly... He is breaking our hearts for what already breaks His... it's not like we are seeing things He does not know about... He has called us to do something about it... he has called us to be courageous.

"seek justice, love mercy, walk humbly with your God"

anybody who has been following the TRS blog... (if you haven't check it out at http://savetheorphan.blogspot.com/) know that there are some tough battles being fought right now... we are trying to raise enough money to move to an amazing center where we could have not 90 some kids... but 200... TWO HUNDRED kids... however... there is quite a cost increase... and we have all been praying for God to provide... There have been some injustices that teams have faced while on the ground ... but we continue to seek justice... love with mercy... and walk with God... 

and finally... my favorite line that just stands out for me... 

"In the war of the blind I will make my stand 

in the battle of the heart and the battle of the hands..." 

There are many people who do not see... who do not want to see... but this is a battle of the heart and the battle of the hands... you don't have to travel to Sierra Leone or any other country to make a difference... you can do so much from right there at your computer... post a facebook status that spreads awareness... give up starbucks for a month ($3.50 for a cup of coffee every other day adds up to enough to sponsor a child)... make a donation to the new building fund... there is more than just the use of your hands... use your heart too... 

"we were made to be courageous and we're taking back the fight...

we were made to be courageous and it starts with us tonight..."

When emails knock your socks off...

As I mentioned in my last post, our trip to San Antonio brought with it a lot of brick wall moments... One of those moments kind of splashed over and lasted through the week after we got back... and this moment would be the email interview with one of Central's communications writers...

I got the email from Jen about needing some jpeg images for a piece they were doing about Jen, central students, and Sierra Leone... etc... and they needed the photo of all of us on the beach together and the one of me holding baby Zainab...

I got this email while we were in the middle of the "Market" (if you have been to San Antonio, you will know this market makes you feel like you crossed the border and are now in the middle of Mexico...). The majority of the trip so far had really reminded me of my trip to Guatemala last summer because of the Spanish influence and such so the email kind of caught me off guard because... to be honest... I had kind of shut out the experience at the Children's hospital... the game face that I had when I was there never really left... not that I had been ignoring that it happened.. but I just couldn't emotionally deal with it yet... and then I kind of had a melt down in the market...

I turned to my mom and I said, "I don't think I can relive that again... and read a story about it or answer questions about it..." and all my mom said was, "Hanna this is why you went there... you're meant to be able to share the stories..."

Man oh man does she know me... she was right... the admitting statement no daughter wants to make... my mom was right. I did not go all the way to Sierra Leone, West Africa to come home and be silent about what I saw...

And then, the next email came... Rachel, the Central communications writer... asking if I would be able to answer a few questions... this email came while we were sitting in the Denver airport about to be delayed a good 2 hours so I said I would love to but wouldn't be able to get back to her until the next day.... and this is where the third email comes in... the questions...

So I took a good hour the day after we got back from San Antonio to dive in to the memories I had kept locked in some closet in the back of my mind... I would no longer just tell people "I held a dying baby" and move on... no... baby Zainab will never be forgotten... I will tell her story to all those who will listen, and probably those who don't want to...

So is kind of a basic summary of the questions I had been dreading... some easy to answer like "why did you decide to go to Sierra Leone?" and others... not so much... like these...


What was your most powerful memory there?

I think that my 'defining moment' on this trip happened at the children's hospital. 

    We were upstairs in the hospital and we were told the 'worst' cases were in the back of the room. I have no idea why but I immediately felt like that was where I needed to be, so I began to walk back there. On my way I could see children that were literally skin and bones, parents believing that their dying children would be fine, and heartbreak around almost every turn. This was a game face day... no tears until we were back on the bus because these people did not know that they were dying or that their children were dying. Looking at the parents and talking to them was one of the hardest things, and when I thought it couldn't get harder I turned around and I saw her... a baby, laying on a bed, alone. 

    I walked over and asked a nurse if I could hold her and she nodded and handed her to me. I asked what she had, what was wrong with her, what her name was, how old is she, where her mother or father was... and the only answer I got was, "she just has TB." That stopped me in my tracks... just TB? This baby looked awful, she was the tiniest thing, and as the nurse left without answering any of my other questions I realized she wasn't really breathing... 

    This was the point that I began kind of internally freaking out... thoughts were running through my mind, "I am holding a dead baby..." Then I looked up and Jen was there, I told her what I knew about her, the nurse came over again and we found out that Baby Zainab was born premature, she was now 5 months old, her mother was somewhere 'bathing', and that she was very sick. 

    Jen ended up being able to find a very faint pulse, and when I gave her to Jen to hold she barely opened her eyes. We prayed over her, we loved on her, and then we had to put her back on the bed... alone. This was quite possibly the single most hardest thing I have done, leaving her there knowing she was inches from death, and knowing she would probably die alone... 

    This is what I would call the defining moment of my trip... the moment that will stay with me forever... and definitely my most powerful memory.

And there were more questions... like do do you think you make a difference? what did you gain from the experience? what did you lose? ... Up to the end of the email they had all been pretty hard to answer... and to think about... but the last question was easy... "Why do you respect Jen as a professor and as a person?" and this was my response:

        I almost feel like this is a trick question. How could you not respect a woman who is as inspiring,     
          family oriented, hardworking, passionate, and faith filled as she is? 

     I have taken both classes that Jen teaches (Children with Exceptionalities and Developmental Psychology) both of which were challenging but rewarding. I feel that I learned a lot from her and the classes she taught because she is good at what she does and has a passion for her content as well as her students. She is also my advisor, and I couldn't ask for a better one. 

     On a more personal level, away from school, she is what I like to call my mom away from home. She is a mentor, she is a light, and she is an incredible professor. Neither Central nor my life would be the same without her. 

Those of you who know Jen will know what I mean... I couldn't be more blessed to know her... And I am even more blessed to have my socks knocked off by her email and the ones from Rachel that followed...

At the end of my last post I asked you to think about what it was that God was calling you to... but this time I am asking something different...

Are you sharing what He has shown you? and when you do share, is He the center of what you are saying? or are you just answering questions in the fastest and most direct answers, like I was?

Share what God has shown you... 

"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden."

Matthew 5:14

It's Not All About Africa...

Well, I haven't blogged for a ridiculously long time... been trying to put into words what has been on my heart... 

I have decided on a new answer to the classic "it's not all about Africa" comment that usually comes up... or even the "why Africa?"...

The truth of the matter is.... Yes it is all about Africa and the why is... If I didn't have Africa who would I be? If you would have asked me 2 years ago where I thought I would be in my life... The last thing I would have said would be an advocate for orphans in Sierra Leone... Actually I doubt I would have even known where it was..... 

Sierra Leone is in West Africa, seen in red above.

You see... There is this God... He is a pretty amazing God who has these plans for us... Plans that were made even before we were... And He knows where we are going, why, and how...

 About this time last year after my first trip I remember thinking, "I HAVE to get back to that country" ...I had no idea how and I don't even really think I can say I knew why... I just knew that a huge chunk of my heart would forever be there... With all the kids, but especially Foday...(shout out to Melissa, I've never met you but I am so excited you're his Forever Mom!) I had no idea how I was going to be able to go back and see him and the other kids and the country and well, all of it... But God provided....

Foday and me on my first trip in May 2011

At the beach on my trip in May of this year. 

So it's that time of year again for me... And I think I am going to have a lot of these times... Wondering when I will go back, how on earth I will be able to save/raise enough money to go...and what God will have in store for me on the next trip... But this year is a little different for me... Mom, Dad, and I just went to San Antonio, TX for a family vacation... And I guess you could say I had a lot of what I like to call... brick wall moments... Most people would say that when an idea hits you it's a light bulb moment.. Well when something relating to Africa hits me... It comes with the strength of a brick wall... No light bulbs for this girl...

It all started on the plane ride to TX... Our flight attendant, Sharon, she was one of those angels God sends you at the most random times to re-energize the fire He lit in your heart.... Well Sharon and I got into a conversation about Sierra Leone and how I got involved and what we do when we are there.... And let me tell you, that woman got it! Her heart was truly hurt by what I was telling her and she understood how I felt... Those of you who have been to SL or other trips like it will know what I mean... Not many people truly get it... They nod their heads and move on with their normal lives... Well guess what... For those of us who have gone to Sierra Leone and fallen in love with a child, who have seen indescribable poverty, who have held a child inches from death... We don't have normal lives any more... 

Holding baby Zainab (5 months old) at the children's hospital.
It took us what seemed like forever to find a pulse,
and it was barely there when we did find it.

From there it was the little things... Wearing one of my TRS shirts that says "part of my heart lives in Africa" into a restaurant and one of the workers saying " I like your shirt, that's really cool".... Reading updates about how TRS is helping save innocent lives and what teams on the ground are doing... Sitting in an airport waiting to fly home from a vacation and getting an answered prayer in a Facebook message from Sara about being part of a fundraising committee.... Getting an email from a Central communications staff member interviewing me about my experience and giving me the opportunity to share my stories.... You see... My life is no longer normal... 

I have had people tell me a trip like this would be too hard... well yes its hard, it's been the hardest thing I have ever done... But this life is not mine, it's His... And who am I to tell the  King of Kings.... "you know what? I think I'm ok... I'll just chill out here in my comfort zone and live my fairy tale life..." I can't do that... My life has been gloriously ruined... For this country  that has the brightest stars shining in the midst of the darkness... 

So yes, now it is all about Africa... That is where God sent me... That is what He called me to... We are ALL part of His kingdom... It's not just America... It's not just Africa... It's all of it.... He calls each of us to different parts ... To do different things...  So for me, right now... It's all about Africa because that's where I have been called.... What's yours? Where is God calling you? Sierra Leone? Romania? Guatemala? Down the street? Next door? ....If you look... There are people in need everywhere... And you and I are His hands and feet.... So what are you waiting for?

May 2011 Team

May 2012 Team

To those of you who have been gloriously ruined along with me... Don't let the fire in your fight die... Recognize the people in your life like Sharon the flight attendant who re-energize you... And keep fighting for His kingdom... We will win.